The Tired Camper

I think another reason I am late blogging is that I have been extremely tired.

Our library, as some of you know, has been under renovation.   So we were operating on a limited collection in a very small room.  It was cozy and peaceful.

Well, now the renovation is done.  We are out of control.  Everybody that missed us has come back and we are up and running in full service mode.

And that keeps us on our toes.  We need three librarians to man the information desk, and we often are there an hour to an hour and a half at a time.   And the entire time we are now busy.    By the end of the day, I just want to crawl into bed.  I am even having trouble reading because my brain hurts so much.

Being a librarian can be tough.  It is all about being social and using your brain.   You have to put the customer at ease and be helpful and efficient so you can get to the next customer.   By the end of the day, sometimes I want no more contact with any person whatsoever.  I have used up all my smiling muscles.  And I can’t form thoughts to put into words to fill my blog.

But, I would rather be busy because I really do get to help people, and that is what I like doing more than anything.  When you can find something for someone and get a smile, it makes my day.  And I get a lot of smiles.  So I must be doing something right.

So I will post what I can, when I can.   And I will even try to make sense!   I am just glad you are bearing with me.  Once the hot summer is over, I might get back to my old self. 

Hot again today.  Ugh.   When will it cool off?

Sunday Sunday

Here is the new video from Sophie Ellis Bextor  “Today the Sun’s On Us”  Going out to my favorite UK blogger, Chris at Sydney Hounds.   I just love her.

 This weekend was a bust.  I really didn’t do anything.  I guess because of the heat.    We did go visit one of our friends on Saturday and hung around playing a role playing game that allowed us to be superheroes for the afternoon.   It was quite fun, and nerdy.

Chris took apart his computer today and dusted out the inside.   He is checking to see if it works a little bit better now.  It had been slowing down and he thought that tinkering around with it might work.  I am glad he didn’t ask me to tinker with it, it would have exploded.

No real update on the progress of my sister.  She is going to start the chemo next week so we are keeping our fingers crossed.  I talked with her on the phone and she seems to be in really good spirits.  Maybe attitude is everything, after all. And, her disability finally came through so she will be getting some money every month for that, and it will help her and my mom out greatly.  I am really thankful for that.

Well, hope you all had a great weekend.  Hang in there, another one is right around the corner.

Happy Saturday

Here is a favorite of mine, Shayne Ward, with “If That’s Ok With You.”

I like it!

Temperature is rising in Baltimore and I am more than miserable.    It is roasting in my house, and I am trying to keep myself sane and cool, but it doesn’t seem to be working.   I don’t want to head to the bedroom and be trapped but I might have to, because the AC is working in that room and at least I can be cool.

Having a bit of a lazy weekend again.  Trying to convince Chris to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix with me tomorrow so wish me luck.

I would write more but sweat is pouring down my back and I am uncomfortable.  If only summer would end!

Not Much To Say

I know I have been quiet of late.

Think I have been having a bit of writer’s block.

Either that or I am too busy keeping tabs on Lindsey Lohan.

Give me a break! Is Lindsey Lohan the only thing that is newsworthy anymore?  Her and Britney Spears and the meltdown at OK magazine.  I can’t even write about current events because they are the only two newsmakers we seem to have anymore.

Oh, those two and the professional sports figures who are shooting each other, taking steroids and dog fighting. Let’s not forget them!

What wonderful celebrities we have in this country!  Makes a boy proud.

Other than that, I met with my therapist on Tuesday and it went really well.  She is very nice and easy to talk to.  Very soothing.  And she has a fountain in her office with the sound of running water.   I was impressed.  So I think I am going to make this therapy a weekly thing.

Then I can get a lot of things off my chest.

But I was wondering…

If I get the things off my chest with the therapist, will I still have a reason to blog?  I mean, my blog is sort of my online diary that keeps me a bit sane.   So, if I am sane because of my therapist, do I still need a blog?   Will you miss me? 

Of course I still need a place to talk about music and movies and other nonsense, so I probably will still blog.  And I hope this writer’s block is going away.  I used to try and write daily but this month, with everything that has been happening I guess I just lost some steam.  But I will make it up,  I promise.

I am only on disc 2 of 17 for Harry Potter. I listen to it in the car on the way to and from work.  I might bring it in the house this weekend and listen to some at home.   It is very tense.  I am very worried for Harry.   But I promise never to reveal any secrets on the blog.  I will, however, discuss anything with anyone via email after I have read it.  We can all compare notes.  I like it so far.  It has gotten good reviews.  We shall see.

Still hot in Baltimore. Partly why I am still so miserable. I get sluggish in the heat and it is hard to blog from home.  I can basically sit like a lump and drink iced tea. 

 But I will snap out of it!  I will.

 Hugs all around.

D

Lazy Weekend

Here is a video  “Whatever Happened to Romance” by Victoria Hart.  I love it!

I am having a lazy weekend.   Not reading Harry Potter.  But I do have it reserved at the library.  Probably pick it up on Monday.   I am catching up on Season 2 of Doctor Who.  I am generally being lazy.

I think I need it!

Have a great rest of the weekend, people!

Still Here

I love this.  Fionn Regan.  Be Good or Be Gone.  Enjoy!

haven’t had much to say.  Been a really hot week, and a busy one at work.  I get home, hot and exhausted.  Too tired to type. 

I did call the therapist back, and I think I called the wrong number the first time because I got a different answering machine.   She called back right away and I have an appointment on Tuesday.    I hope I like her!

I hope you are all surviving the summer.   Hang in there. September is right around the corner!

 This guy is awesome! Here is another one!

Enjoy!

Thoughts for a Monday

Hello all.

I had a blessedly uneventful weekend.    Other than the fact that it was 93 degrees and plans to continue to be so.  It is already hot this morning, and it is not even 7:00 AM yet.   I really don’t like the heat.

Yesterday I finished a novel, watched a creepy Japanese horror flick called Reincarnation and took a nap.  I also had a 15% off coupon for Barnes and Noble so I ordered Season 2 of Doctor Who and I can finally discover what happens to Rose.  That should come in sometime this week.   Gives me something to look forward to.

The therapist has not returned my call about the appointment.  I am going to call her again today.  If I don’t have an appointment by the end of the week, I will call  EAP and get another therapist.  I mean, you really shouldn’t have to hunt your therapist down, do you?  

Talked to my mom on Saturday night.  Things are about the same.  I guess we won’t really know anything until after my sister has chemo.  My mother bought my sister a wig.   I didn’t get to talk to my sister, she was out.  Good for her!  I need to get out more as well.   Maybe my therapist will motivate me into action!  If she ever calls me back.

I guess I am not in a talkative mood right now.  Probably because of the heat.  So I will keep this short.   Thanks for all your thoughts and comments.   Keep em coming! 

Iced Lattes, cheeseburgers and my underpants.

You can tell what kind of state I am in.

This afternoon I went to the bathroom and realized I had put  my underwear on backwards.  I am just not thinking correctly!

As you know, I have been trying to give up red meat and pork, and was doing really well until the situatioin happened.  You see, some people grab a bottle of gin or a beer or wine when they get depressed.  Not me.  I want a cheeseburger.   A McDonald’s cheeseburger of all things.   I go through the drive through and get two. I don’t bother with the fries.  Just want the cheeseburger.  Somehow it makes me feel better.  At least for a half an hour or so.  I guess we all have our addictions.  

And they have iced coffee at McDonald’s.  And they are cheap.  What more could you want?

I am back at work.  I noticed that I am really clenching my jaw all day.  I am aware that I am doing it, but I can’t stop.  It is also hard for me to talk to anybody.  I keep busy at my desk but sometimes I get distracted and my mind wanders.  I have to bring it back to the present.  I think my coworkers are not really sure what to say, if there is anything to say, so we don’t say anything. Maybe it is better that way.

I finally am listening to Tiger Yogi and called for an appointment with a therapist today.  I think I really do need someone to talk to.  Chris helps all he can but even he is not a professional.   A therapist will be good for me.  And maybe she can get me to go to a support group.    Maybe I can find some other people that are going through similar situations.

Who knows?

But, at least I am still blogging. You haven’t got rid of me yet.

El Dewey’s Super Fun Depresso Blog

Thanks for all your comments, thoughts and prayers.   I needed them.

 After a particularly bad day yesterday I cried for quite a while and got a lot of stuff out of my system.  I also made an appointment with my psychiatrist and am going to try and get a therapist today.  Hopefully the therapist will hook me up with a support group.  Now if I only would go…

You would think I would be better at handling these disasters.

I am used to them.

I was talking to my mother about my families ever increasing bad luck.   It is almost like we are cursed.  I wonder if one of my ancestors angered a gypsy.  We don’t have run of the mill bad luck, either.   We travel from one disaster to the next. Friends of my mother’s have noticed this.  Is it possible to have this much bad luck in one family?

I go to work and other people at work talk about weddings and grandkids and graduations.  They bring in pictures.  My family doesn’t take pictures.  Nothing ever seems to happen that we would want to remember.  And I look at these wedding pictures and have really nothing to say.  I don’t know how to respond.  It all looks so normal.  And I am a creature of chaos.

This is the whole reason as to why I never answer the phone.   I am so used to awaiting bad news and often bad news comes by telephone, the telephone is my enemy.   Chris gets mad at me because my phone will be ringing and I will never make a move to answer it.    When I feel ready I check the voice mail.   Then I can call the person back.

Not that I have many people calling.  Being ever so introverted I don’t get out much.  I know I need to. But I spend so much time worrying about the future and what is going to happen next.  Because what will happen next is never good.  And it is hard to make friends because people ask too many questions.   I come across sounding too much doom and gloom. Nobody wants doom and gloom at their party.   So, then I have to pretend.  But what good is having a friend if I have to pretend when I am around them? That  doesn’t seem right either.

At least Chris understands me and all the baggage I am carrying around.  I think I just inherited another suitcase.

Ah well.

At least I slept well last night and am feeling better this morning.   Now to only get through the day…

Cats, ect.

The cat is fine.

He is bounding up the stairs and running hither and yon.

I am exhausted.

I sat up the entire night worrying about the cat.  Wondering if I was going to be too late to get him to the vet.  Thinking that he was going to die.   All typical Doug worries.    I knew I could take him to the vet at seven, so I stayed up and watched movies until it was time to take him.

In the morning, he was hopping around like normal.   All day he has been acting as usual.

It is me that is traveling on a downward spiral.    And now I am exhausted.  I tried to sleep today, managed about three hours I guess.  On and off.  It is so bloody hot here in Baltimore even the window AC can’t really keep all the heat out. 

I guess focusing on my cat I could not focus on other things in my life.

I am feeling overwhelmed.

I am feeling that life is going to fast and I can’t seem to catch up.

I feel like I am always on the sideline waiting for something horrible to happen.

I feel like I don’t want to have any more feelings because they only lead to more misery.

I feel like I really need to be able to sleep tonight.  I hope I can. I really hope I can.

I am struggling to get myself ready for work tomorrow when everyone asks the inevitable question.  “How was your vacation?”.   I need to smile gently and tell them “fine”.

No one really wants the truth.