Snowy PA

April 5, 2007 at 6:48 pm 5 comments

Just a little depressed today.  Wrote out a nice post yesterday, full of angst and it never published.  I am also having trouble with my widgets.  I am trying to update the book I am reading and it refuses to save.  And I seem to be doing everything right. Go figure.

Everything here at my mom’s is going well.  My sister has lost her full time job but is managing to be pleasant so I can’t complain.  We have a bit of an illness happening.  My allergies are haywire and my sister lost her voice for a few days but everything seems to be on an even keel.  My mother is still running out of money and trying to shop herself happy.  We have been trying to eat in more often and that seems to be working. I have been watching the food network and trying to cook and it all helps.

Just have been living inside of my head with my thoughts lately.  Trying not to, but it sure is hard.  It’s like I am a different person here.  The son and the brother.  Not the same person I am in Baltimore.   Sometimes I think without Chris I would go mad.  Like I wish there was more to me than there really is.  That maybe someday, somehow I could wake up and be a little different.

Edinboro is a college town and I see all of these young college types and they still have so much ahead of them.  They are not formed yet.  The doors are still opened to them.  They can pick up and go anywhere  and not feel tied down to a job or a house payment.  Sometimes I think it was easier when I was renting.  When you rent, you know that you can always reach the end of a lease and you can pick up and go.  With a house payment, that is where you live and will live for years and years.  And it is not that I don’t like Baltimore, I do.  (from what I can see of it inside my house). I am getting too old to change and sometimes wonder where my life is heading.

The only connection I have with my family is my mom and sister.  When they are gone, who will I have? The only time I really go on vacation is to come up here and visit.  What will I do with my time off when they are gone?  Chris and I try to do some fun things every year,  but what am I going to lose?

And half the time I seem unhappy with the lot I have been given.  And I talk about seeing a therapist but what can a therapist really do?  If I have a therapist I have to constantly bring this stuff up over and over again and mull over it until I am half insane.  I think I am better off retreating and avoiding life.  Avoid life. I guess that is what I do.  And what kind of a life is that?

So many of you that I read each day seem to have fascinating existences.  I must be somewhat fascinating or I wouldn’t get any readers.  Truth is that I do what I can. 

Sometimes I just want a change.   I mean, Chris’s company went out of business and he was able to completely change his life and go into something entirely new.  I am not sure if that is what I really even want.  Truth is, I have no idea what I want out of life.  Sometimes life just gets to be too much for me. 

It’s hard to go through the motions.   I mean, some days I really like what I do for a living and some days they blend together and every day seems to be more of the same.  And maybe that is what life is, really. Occupying time until you die.   Trying to keep your head above the water.

I hope this posts today. I really do.  Or WordPress is getting a piece of my mind. 

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5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. tigeryogi  |  April 5, 2007 at 11:45 pm

    Hon, don’t let life get you down. I feel the same way sometimes.

    Spring is coming. Try to get out and walk some more. Take up a new hobby like basket weaving or Tae Kwan Do. Live! Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death! 😉

    Reply
  • 2. Kev in NZ  |  April 6, 2007 at 12:15 am

    It is great that your post published today. I have had that problem too and it is SOO frustrating.

    I hope spring is seeing the weather warm up over there.

    Kev in NZ

    Reply
  • 3. Dr. Sparky  |  April 6, 2007 at 7:40 pm

    A) It’s not you. The widgets are being funky. Mine won’t save either. You are doing it right.

    B) I hear you about being home. I always feel like a different person who is not exactly me when I am round my family. It’s very unsettling.

    C) Hug.

    Reply
  • 4. Ashley  |  April 6, 2007 at 11:56 pm

    We may all seem different on the outside because we only share what we want to share and project what we want to project. However, I started reading your blog a long time ago because I felt that we had so much in common in many ways — about how we feel about a lot of things (based on what you write about). What’s inside can be very different from what other people see.

    Hugs….

    Reply
  • 5. duane  |  April 10, 2007 at 10:12 pm

    Occupying time until you die. Trying to keep your head above the water.

    I often feel the exact same way.

    Reply

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