The Introvert In Me

April 28, 2007 at 4:24 pm 5 comments

Yesterday I had the day off.

Basically, I stayed in the house all day.  I had my car, I could have gone somewhere and yet I didn’t.  This is the same old story with me when I am home alone.  I can’t get the courage together to actually get up and leave the house.   Even when I make plans for myself,  I tend to stay in.  And if I plan to go to Barnes and Noble for a coffee and actually make it there, I drink my coffee quickly and get home as fast as I can.

So it almost isn’t worth it to go out in the first place.

I seem to be getting worse as I am getting older.  I used to be more active.  I went out with friends, stopped at bars to listen to music, went  out to eat, sometimes went downtown just to walk around and window shop.  I used to have more of a life.  Then I turned forty.  And every year I seem to sink further into myself.

Chris does get me out.  He refuses to let me stay home when he is around and we do go out to eat or run errands.  Last night we went out for dinner and ice cream.   It was Friday night and it was crowded and that began to make me uncomfortable.   Why do I retreat? Why do I like to be alone?

My Aunt Eileen died a few years ago.  She had a drinking problem.  She died in her apartment and no one knew for several days.  Aunt Eileen was a recluse.   My dad used to try and visit her and make sure she was all right, but then my dad died and it was hard for us to keep in touch.  Hard for me to keep in touch, because even though I have a phone, I rarely reach out and call anyone.  There are friends I could call but I don’t.  I spend the day alone, with my pets, with my books.  

My dad filled his time through work.  He would often work 60 hours a week or more and that was how he would spend his time.   When his depression got the better of him, the rest of the time he would spend at home, sleeping.  My family in a nutshell.  My inheritance.   Reclusiveness and depression.

And I know that it is up to me to change.  If I want more out of life, I have to make the decision to go and get it.  But then I have to ask myself “what do I want out of life?” and I don’t rightly know. 

I love feeling safe. I love feeling secure.  I love my books and my pets and feeling protected from the world.  But is that love a product of depression?  Should I want more?  And what will it take to change my ways?

As I get older, will I get worse? 

Chris is off today.  He is spending the day at Six Flags with a friend. Something I would never do.  (aside from the fact that I hate amusement parks.)    I guess that is what I am lacking.  A friend.  Someone other than Chris that I can do things with when he is at work.

And you, my cyber friends are all so far away.   But I connect with you.  And we have good times in cyberspace.  And if I can connect with you, there must be something about me that is good and pleasant and fun.   And if I can tap into that, maybe I can get out and make new friends.

Ah, if I had the courage.

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Entry filed under: Here or There.

Kids and Work The Blackest Bird

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. tigeryogi  |  April 28, 2007 at 9:53 pm

    I wish that we lived closer too.

    Oh, the adventures that we would have! 🙂

    Maybe you should talk to a professional about this Doug. I wouldn’t want to see you end up like your father or aunt.

    Take care Hon!

    Reply
  • 2. Doug  |  April 28, 2007 at 11:37 pm

    “And what will it take to change my ways?”

    That is the million-dollar question. I ask myself this frequently, and I’ve found that sometimes it takes a risk to make me change. I have to just take the plunge and do something, have faith in myself and take that leap (of faith, in myself).

    It is oh-so-much-easier said than done, however, as you well know, I’m sure.

    They say courage is acknowledging your fears and doing what you want to do in spite of them.

    Reply
  • 3. Debbi  |  April 29, 2007 at 7:49 am

    Wish there were something I could do.

    :::hugs:::

    Reply
  • 4. Tony  |  April 29, 2007 at 8:53 pm

    Big D….

    What’s this all about. You need to get out my man. I don’t consider myself the most extroverted person, perhaps more middle of the road, depending on the environment I am placed amidst.

    There may very well be an element of depression behind the way you are pulling back from engagement. My brother is very much like how you have described yourself and I will say this…he suffers clearly from depression though he will not do anything about it. That’s not saying you do. You may merely have a fear of interaction…self-confidence, like I had and probably still have to some extent.

    You said something that nails it. The change starts with you taking the bull by the horns. Call a few blogger buds…sometimes it goes from there.

    Reply
  • 5. Dr. Sparky  |  May 2, 2007 at 5:13 pm

    If I lived closer we could sit around reading all day like true nerds. And when we needed a break, we’d go to a bookstore!

    Reply

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