The Good, the bad, the depressed.

June 14, 2007 at 10:47 pm 4 comments

Update:  My sister does have breast cancer.  They are not sure if they can only remove the lump or have to remove the entire breast.     She is going to try and see the same doctor that helped my mom.  I will keep everyone posted. 

 Sorry I have not been posting.

I have been distracted, worried and depressed.  I have been considering calling my mother but I know that there won’t be any news.  Calling my mother will accomplish nothing.   My sister may be home and she might answer the phone.  I won’t know what to say.  It is better not to call my mother.

This is a usual state of affairs.   I love my mother and really do like to call her.  But calling my mother is a precursur to tragedy.  I can’t help it.  My family seems to be a tragedy magnet.    Once we get through one major upset in life we are only lead to the next.   I have had so many upheavals in my life I think I am beming my own speed bump.

Thank goodness I have Chris to cling to.    You know, I have been at my job for eight years and not once have I applied for a promotion.   I am not sure why.  I know I can do the job  (in fact I do many jobs that are normally given to a grade higher already).    But I am scared.   I am scared of stress.  I am scared of rejection.  I am scared that I will get more responsibility at work and then something will go completely haywire at home.  And I really do try not to let my personal life interfere with my work life.   But sometimes I get so worried and so sad I just don’t know what to do.

And the position I am working in is fine.  Maybe I can just stay here until I die.  And when will that be?  I mean, I weigh too much, that is for sure, but I don’t smoke and I don’t drink all that much.   And I avoid stress  and things that cause stress.  And I take lots of naps.  Naps are supposed to make you live longer.   But is living longer what I really want to do?

I know that I want to grow old with Chris if he will still have me.   But I am worried about having to bury my family.  I know I should not think about things like this.  I know when I dwell on these thoughts I only serve to bring myself down.  I know I should be thinking positive thoughts.    I know I should be trying to be happy.

But I am worried.  Maybe I will call my mother tonight just to see how she is doing.   Maybe she will be home and will answer the phone.   Maybe she can put my mind at ease.   Probably not.  Isn’t that what mothers are for?

Anyway, emotionally I am all over the place tonight. Last night we went to Cold Stone Creamery and that helped.  And tonight I had my favorite vegetarian sushi.  And I have the weekend off to try and get some reading done and am looking forward to that.   And I have a trip to NYC planned in a few weeks to see Legally Blonde  and so I do have things to look forward to.  I guess it is the little things in life that keep you going.

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Trouble Spots. The Half Day

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. urspo  |  June 15, 2007 at 2:20 am

    i am sorry for your sister
    I am sending positive vibes out
    I am glad you have Chris

    Reply
  • 2. Doug  |  June 15, 2007 at 2:40 am

    It sounds like you’re spending an awful lot of energy beating yourself up. Your sister has breast cancer. You have every right to be worried and anxious and sad. Embrace the feeling and allow yourself to feel it.

    As for your job, you are in a safe, stable place in your career. It is a rarity to find such stability, so I don’t blame you for being reluctant to give it up. And climbing the ladder isn’t always the best for everyone. I don’t do it. Ambition isn’t for everyone. Again, embrace who you are and use your strengths.

    And as for Chris, I’m sure he feels the same about you as you do about him.

    Re: Cold Stone: Did you tip the counter people to make them sing?

    Reply
  • 3. Jim  |  June 15, 2007 at 3:46 am

    I agree with your readers Doug.

    My friend, just worry about the stuff you can control… the rest will happen no matter what you do.

    At least you’re not suing a dry cleaner for $54 million for losing a pair of slacks 🙂

    There are times in our working life when we are best to stay where we are at. Moving up the ladder usually brings bigger headaches (and longer hours) -been there, done that and wished I had stayed where I had started at. It got to the point where I would automatically wake up at certain times throughout the night, as that was when the data centre would call me at home to report various errors in the computer room. I was happiest when I moved from that company, and when the call came in during the middle of the night, I told them to phone my former boss, as I no longer worked there.

    As for Chris, I’m sure he wants you around for a lifetime 🙂

    And sometimes ice cream cures all!

    Little things can mean a lot, and we’re always here for you, you’re welcome to drop a line anytime if you need an ear.

    Reply
  • 4. tigeryogi  |  June 15, 2007 at 4:14 pm

    I agree with what everyone else has said. You’re in my thoughts and prayers as always… 🙂

    Reply

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