The Half Day

June 15, 2007 at 5:40 pm 6 comments

I took a half day’s vacation today to start the weekend early.

I didn’t much feel like being around people.   I will be able to stay at home and pet the dog and take a nap.  Naps usually help me feel better.   I didn’t sleep all that well last night anyway.

I am feeling really guilty today.

My sister was addicted to cocaine, and in the midst of her addiction I said some horrible things about her.  I had horrible thoughts about her.    I blamed her for my father’s suicide.  In a way, I still do.    And I thought that if she had died maybe my father would still be alive.   Maybe my mother would not be in so much debt.  Maybe life would have been like it should have been.

And now my sister is sick and I can’t help feeling that it is my fault.  I know that it is not true, it just feels like it.   I keep wishing that I were the one that was sick.   I could handle it.  I have Chris to take care of me and I have good insurance, and I try to have a pretty good attitude and I could fight it and get better.

I just don’t want her to suffer.  And for years, all I did was want her to suffer.   I wanted her to feel the pain that she put us all through.   

And I don’t want my mother to have to go through this.   She already had to deal with my sister’s addiction and my father’s suicide, and these two things never really go away.   And now she is retired and should be enjoying her retirement.

She should be growing older with my father.   They should be traveling.  Gardening.   Going to the theater.

Instead, she is taking care of my sister.  And I am six hours away and I can do nothing to help.  And even if I were to quit my job and move there, what could I do? I would just be in the way.

I know, I am beating myself up again.  I am a pro at that.   At least I have my blog to get some of this stuff out. Thanks for listening, and all your kind words.   They mean so much to me.


Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

The Good, the bad, the depressed. Melanie C!

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Jim  |  June 15, 2007 at 6:16 pm


    Here’s the world’s biggest hug just for you… [[HUG]]

    I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts along with my hope that all will be well soon.

    We’ve all had dark thoughts at times. It is just a part of what I call being human.

    Hold Chris a little tighter tonight. Love works wonders 🙂

  • 2. diamondfistwerny  |  June 15, 2007 at 8:29 pm

    I wonder how much this drab weather we’ve experienced in Bmore (the past few days) affects you? I know I’m feeling it. Hang in there! Hey there’s always pride this weekend. Of course, I won’t go. Not much of a crowd person. I hope things pick up for you. I’m a fan of your blog, but this is the first I’ve ever commented. I’m Steve and I live in Charles Village.

    Cheers to you and your loved ones.

  • 3. Doug  |  June 15, 2007 at 10:58 pm

    I wish I could give you a hug in person. In lieu of that, here’s a few big virtual hugs. *hug* *hug* *hug*

  • 4. tigeryogi  |  June 16, 2007 at 3:25 pm

    Doug, I wish that there was something that I could do to ease your burden as well.

    Now you KNOW that you did not wish this illness on your sister. So stop beating yourself up over it. Do what you can. That’s all you can do. Thank goodness that you have Chris to help you with your burden. Please let him help.

    I’m only an email away. Drop me a line if you need to chat.

    Hugs and Kisses, TY

  • 5. Coco  |  June 16, 2007 at 3:52 pm

    Many hugs to you my dear Dewey…
    You and your family are in my prayers.

    Please keep in mind that Breast Cancer is NOT always fatal!! There are many new treatments out there are working miraculously… Yes, your sister needs to do her part, as well as her doctors. It’s a “team” effort : ) And yes, the Cancer Society has volunteers that go to the patient’s home to help…


  • 6. Chris (Doug's Partner)  |  June 19, 2007 at 12:23 am

    well, there’s nothing that Heather could do about her genetics. Your mom had breast cancer (and beat it). Now, your sister could have reduced the odds a bit, but she didn’t. She smokes, drinks, does drugs, doesn’t exercise, and doesn’t eat properly. It all adds up.

    however, your negative thoughts about her did NOT make her sick. It was likely to happen because of her genetics sooner or later, and her bad lifestyle choices (smoking, drugs) simpoly made it happen sooner.

    the positive thing is that, caught early, breast cancer is VERY treatable. And she got it detected very early.


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