Ah Thanksgiving.

November 26, 2008 at 10:16 pm 7 comments

I am not really feeling it this year.

To tell you the truth,  I am tired of hearing about it.  I am happy that everybody has a big family and am thrilled that they are all getting together and putting a bird in the oven and making yams with marshmallows and cranberry sauce and stuffing and the like.

I just don’t want to hear about it.

I am feeling sad because my sister still has cancer and it is not seeming to get any better.  It started out as breast cancer and then it moved to her lungs and now it has moved into her bones.    And she has been in chemo for two years now and it doesn’t seem to be doing anything but getting worse so they are going to try stronger chemo.   She had to sit in the chemo chair for five hours the other day.  And my mom is getting older and she is retired and she is taking care of my sister.  And I am in Baltimore and what can I do?  Anything? Nothing?   I guess I just feel helpless.

And then we have the holidays coming up.  Christmas and Thanksgiving and somehow we are supposed to thank GOD for doing all of this to us,  like GOD has ever listened to anything we have ever had to say.  And then you try to tell them that you are pissed off at GOD and they tell you that GOD has some sort of plan and all of this happens for a reason.    Well, I am ready to know what that reason is because  there has to be some explanation.

Chris is having similar problems.  His mother is dying of a lung disease and she is rather reclusive and sometimes talks to him and sometimes he can’t get in touch with her for days, so both of us are moping around as best we can.

I think we are going to a diner together tomorrow.     I am glad we aren’t going out with family or anything because then I would have to plaster a forced smile on my face and I just don’t feel like it right now.   I just feel miserable.

And I know, it does get worse around the holidays.   That’s what they say anyway.  And I have been doing a lot better with things and luckily my only vice seems to be food so at least I am not drinking myself into a coma.

I guess some of us just keep getting things piled on us to see if we can still stand up at the end of the day.   Somehow I am still standing.    I know I try to avoid emotion. I read. I play video games. I listen to music.   I try to keep myself occupied.

But I get scared, too.

And I have never watched anyone die of cancer and I don’t know what will happen.  I don’t know how to be prepared.     And my sister is keeping a positive outlook so maybe she will get better.  I am the one who is full of doom and gloom and always predicting the worst.

Predict the worse.  Then the worse usually happens.

Anyway.  I hope you all have a marvelous Thanksgiving.  And I hope I have a good anti-thanksgiving.

And have a good weekend, too.


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7 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Steve's Rebooted  |  November 27, 2008 at 12:46 am

    Well, if ya should regret being all non-thanksgivinish, email me. I do an open house on Black Friday. But, I do feel your perspective. Lost a sibling in 2008. Holidays are feeling bittersweet this year. Hugs.

  • 2. Indigo  |  November 27, 2008 at 1:28 am

    Poor boyfriend. 😦 I love you so much. I’m sorry your sister is so sick.

  • 3. Dr. Sparky  |  November 27, 2008 at 2:49 am

    Hang in there. I’m here if you need an escape.

  • 4. javabear  |  November 27, 2008 at 5:05 am

    I sympathize, dear. I’m really sorry your sister is not doing well. Things are tense all around right now. I hope you can see the positives in your life, too, and be honest about how you feel. It’s ok.

  • 5. Doug  |  November 27, 2008 at 11:56 am

    I hope you’re able to find some things to be happy about. If all else fails, just watch “The Sound of Music” and sing along, “Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens…”

    Have a good anti-Thanksgiving. *hugs*

  • 6. tigeryogiji  |  November 28, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    ((HUGS)) 😦

  • 7. urspo  |  November 29, 2008 at 9:51 pm

    I was working so I arrive late.
    I am sorry you are hurting so. Sometimes it overrides any chances of a happy holiday
    Ah well; there will be other thanksgivings.

    For me thanksgiving is taking pause to recall all that we have for thanks – regardless of all the sorrows that may be around.

    I am thankful for you!


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